Reflection

I thought a lot about how to start this post. Maybe try to find some funny movie line, a moving lyric from a song, a poem, maybe even a passage from the Bible...ok, maybe not so much the last one, but I do have to say that my time in the monastery has been very interesting so far.

So, the answer that most of you are looking for is, no, I haven't been moved enough yet to think about joining the monastery. But I have been moved enough to begin doing a lot more personal reflection. I know once I get to Africa this will be the main way that I will be able to feel a connection with those of you that I will miss the most.

I have weened myself off of TV, which surprisingly hasn't been very difficult, and I have been trying to limit the use of Internet access. I think that this separation from technology has impacted my dreams, because they seem more vivid and I remember them more often than I normally do.

Since I've been here my dreams have mostly been about separation. The separation from family, friends, significant others, colleagues, and, well, pretty much everyone. The monastic life, while very heavily community based, is, at the same time very solitary. This solitude, while more often than not can lead to feelings of loneliness, also gives the appreciation of what its like to be fortunate enough to have so many wonderful people in our lives.

Last night as I was lying in bed listening to my ipod the song Motorcylce Driveby came on. I closed my eyes and tried to really focus on the lyrics of the songs. And as I listened I began to reminisce on all the wonderful times and moments I've had with so many different people. And I began to think about giving it all up to spend a year in Africa. 'What an experience and opportunity to be given this chance, but what a commitment and sacrifice that it is to miss being around the people I truly love for a full year' And then the refrain of the song came on:

"I've never been so alone, and I've never been so alive."

This next year is sure to test my limits of health, spirituality, personal reflection, culture shock, homesickness, and loneliness. But as I am learning, sometimes it is the things that you care about the most that you must sacrifice in order to truly understand how special those things are and that they really do make you feel "alive".